


Optimism

by youcouldmakealife



Series: Impaired Judgment (and other excuses) [99]
Category: Original Work
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-13 13:57:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20583626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youcouldmakealife/pseuds/youcouldmakealife
Summary: Defeatist shit: 1, optimism: 0.





	Optimism

There’s no sleeping in the next morning — the Flames and Oilers both have games, and Jared’s got a three hour drive to get on before that. He gets some coffee and breakfast in him before they get on the road, leaves with a hard hug from Elaine and a kiss from Bryce — in front of Julius, so that’s like, big progress — and a Flames branded travel mug full of coffee Julius is firmly pretending doesn’t exist.

“So, you know, sorry if Christmas was a little awkward,” Jared says, when they’re ten minutes out.

Julius shrugs. “It was good,” he says after a minute.

“Okay, good,” Jared says. “Tampa tonight.”

“Tampa,” Julius agrees. “Good team.”

Yeah, they’re probably fucked. Jared’s not saying so though. That’s the sort of defeatist shit that needs to live quietly in his head, or maybe get vented to his dad, who’ll tell him it’s, you know, defeatist shit. It’s hard, jumping from a near championship team in the Dub to one of the laughingstocks of the NHL. 

“We can beat them,” Julius says, with a suspicious little squint like he can see Jared thinking defeatist shit. Jared tries to stop.

*

They can’t beat them, turns out. Defeatist shit: 1, optimism: 0.

*

They win the first two games in the new year, and Jared tentatively hopes that’s a good sign for the year. Is that superstitious and dumb? Yeah, but whatever. Those optimistic people seem happier, so he’s trying it on. It’s weird trying on optimism without anyone to witness said optimism though, so Jared texts Julius to come up, unlocks the door for him.

Julius comes in the door without a knock, on the phone and speaking rapidfire Finnish, and aims a half-assed wave at Jared before plopping down on the couch beside him and continuing his conversation. Rude. Also rude. 

He’s not talking to his parents. Julius does a lot of nodding and not so much talking when he’s on the phone with his parents, Jared’s learned. He’s talking a lot, so Noora, Jared’s guessing.

“How’s Noora?” Jared asks when Julius gets off the phone, instead of ‘Rude, Halla’. Julius totally knows he was being rude, there’s no reason to point it out and then inevitably get some sarcastic dig about how Jared’s not actually people to be polite to that also functions as a weird backhanded compliment. Because it’s totally the thing Jared would do with like, Bryce, and family, and Julius and no one else, so he gets it.

“That was my sister,” Julius says. “Noora and I broke up.”

“Wait,” Jared says. “What? When?”

“Last week,” Julius says.

And Jared knew Julius had a hell of a poker face — or like, a whole poker demeanor, but holy shit. If Jared and Bryce broke up — which they obviously will not — Jared would be a fucking mess. Hell, from experience he knows that even if they fight he’s basically intolerable to be around, and that’s per one Chaz Rossi, who is pretty fucking mellow. And meanwhile Jared’s spent like, dozens of hours with Julius since and had no clue.

“Why?” Jared asks.

Julius shrugs a little. “It’s hard,” he says.

“What is?” Jared asks.

“Distance,” Julius says. 

“Yeah,” Jared says. His first instinct is to say ‘I know’, but he doesn’t really. Him and Bryce are long-distance, yeah, but there’s a difference between the kind of distance you can bridge in a few hours and the distance between Edmonton and Oulu. Time-zones, clashing schedules, all shit Jared knows Julius was getting frustrated by — not even just with his girlfriend, like, everyone he knows, pretty much — but also Julius hasn’t even seen her since September. And Jared knows how empty Skype dates can feel in comparison. “Do you want to like, talk about it?”

“No,” Julius says, and Jared’s not going to lie, he’s relieved. 

“You want to go out?” Jared says. “Pick up? Drink? Ice cream? Sad movie?”

He’s just like, guessing here, based on teammate’s reactions to break ups. And those things were all probably more necessary last week, but _someone’s_ impenetrable, so Jared will do his best to be a good friend now.

“Dinner?” Julius says. “You make?”

Jared makes him dinner because he got broken up with. He’s not going to make a habit of it.

*

Their win streak gets broken with an absolute rout — can you call two games a streak? Jared’s just going to go ahead and call it a streak, one that is now over — and between that and Julius’ not tragic face but probably tragic insides, Jared has officially written off this year as stupid too.

He’s trying and failing not to sulk after the game, dragging his feet a little. It’s not like he can leave until Julius does, since he’s Julius’ ride home, and Julius is busy with post-game interviews, because he was like, one of the only Oilers players who actually appeared to know there was a game to play tonight. He’s managed to shower and half-heartedly put on his pants, at least.

“Any more news on Brouwbeater?” he hears Jacobi ask, a few stalls away, and pretends to be very interested in finding his shirt, and not intently listening to the answer. Brouwer’s status is kind of relevant to his position. He doesn’t think he’d get sent down, but even if he just gets demoted, well — he doesn’t want to stop playing on Julius’ line. Maybe they’d put Brouwer on the fourth, maybe not, but it makes Jared anxious, thinking about it.

“Same shit,” Rogers says. “Doctors, tests, MRIs, the whole thing. Fitzy says he’s got as many appointments as there are days in the week.”

“Timeline?” Jacobi asks, more serious than Jared’s heard him. He’s not a particularly serious guy.

Rogers shakes his head. 

“No timeline?” Jacobi asks. “Not even spitballing?”

“I don’t think he’s coming back, Vic,” Rogers says. 

Jared feels a wave of relief hit him at the first good news all day, and then, immediately after, a nauseating level of guilt. 

“What, this season, or—” Jacobi says.

“Pretty sure he’ll be retiring at the end of the season,” Rogers says, and the guilt gets worse, but it still doesn’t quite manage to wash the relief away

“So I’m a horrible person,” Jared says instead of ‘hi’ when Bryce picks up the phone the next morning. It’s not like Jared can say it to any of his teammates without them finding out he’s a horrible person, but it’s kind of been eating him up since last night, and Bryce knows he’s a horrible person already. Jared tries at optimism, fails, but is apparently great at knee-jerk ruthlessness, no problem.

“No you’re not,” Bryce says.

Bryce pretends he doesn’t know Jared’s a horrible person, but he definitely does know.

“You are _not_,” Bryce says when Jared says as much. 

“It’s understandable,” Bryce says, when Jared explains the Brouwer thing, which is not helpful. He needs someone to tell him he’s an asshole but also not like, be mad at him about it, like any Oiler would be, Julius probably included. At this rate he’s going to need to call Erin. Raf and Chaz and his mom would be too appalled at him, and his dad is an asshole too so he would have the same instinctive reaction Jared did. Bryce isn’t an asshole, but he _is_ way too forgiving of Jared.

“I’ve been hiding the blue Gatorade for literal years because it’s my favourite and I don’t want you have any,” Jared says. Have Bryce deny he’s a horrible person now.

“I know,” Bryce says without hesitation.

“Wait, what?” Jared says. “You know? And you haven’t like, called me on it?”

“It’s your favourite,” Bryce says. “And I like the other flavours fine, so I just let you have it. I didn’t know you thought you were being like, sneaky.”

This phone call is making Jared feel so much worse. Now not only is he a horrible person, he’s an un-sneaky one. And his fiancé just lets him do it because he’s sweet as fuck.

“I’m mad at you,” Jared says.

“What?” Bryce says. “Why?”

“You didn’t tell me you knew I was hiding it,” Jared says.

“I didn’t mind, though,” Bryce says. “I just thought it was kind of funny.”

“Oh, so it’s funny that I’m a selfish, manipulative jerk,” Jared says.

“Why are you being like this right now?” Bryce asks.

“Like what, an asshole?” Jared says.

“I mean,” Bryce says. “Kind of, yeah.”

“_Thank_ you,” Jared says. “That’s all I wanted you to say.”

Bryce is quiet for a moment. “You’re…welcome?” he says finally.

“Call me on my shit more,” Jared says. 

“Okay,” Bryce says. “But like — I really didn’t mind. You’re overthinking this.”

“I do that,” Jared says.

“Yeah,” Bryce says, so at least he’s not immune to all of Jared’s faults. “It’s not being a horrible person to care about your career, J.”

“At the expense of someone else’s?” Jared says. “Kinda is.”

“Yeah, but it’s not like you did anything to hurt his career,” Bryce says. “If it wasn’t you taking his roster spot it’d be someone else. Otherwise you should feel guilty every time you make a team, means someone else didn’t.”

“It’s different,” Jared says. “The guy’s career is probably over.”

“Not your fault it is,” Bryce says.

“Yeah, but it’s my fault my first reaction was ‘cool, guess I’m staying on Julius’ line’ instead of ‘shit that sucks’,” Jared says.

“You can’t control—” Bryce says.

“Can you please just tell me it was a shitty thing to think,” Jared says. 

Bryce doesn’t say anything.

“Please?” Jared says. 

“It was kind of a shitty thing to think,” Bryce says. “But like, the fact you know it was and feel bad about it means—”

“Bryce,” Jared groans.

“Sorry,” Bryce says.

Jared blows out a breath. “Why are you so supportive like, all the time?”

“Is that a real question?” Bryce asks.

“I dunno,” Jared says. “I guess?”

“Uh,” Bryce says. “Because I love you? I dunno, I think you just take stuff too seriously, Jared. Like, you forgave me for like, being a fucking screw-up, why is it a big deal if you think some not great stuff sometimes? Like, you don’t even do shitty things, just think them, so who cares?”

“I hid the Gatorade,” Jared says. “You don’t know what else I could be hiding.”

“Do you have a secret treat drawer or something?” Bryce asks. “If you do, you should tell me, our place has only boring healthy stuff right now.”

“No,” Jared says. “I steal your socks sometimes, though. I have at least a couple pairs here.”

“I think if hiding Gatorade and stealing socks is the worst shit you do, we’re in pretty good shape,” Bryce says.

“I guess,” Jared says. 

“No deep dark secrets?” Bryce says.

“I don’t think so?” Jared says. “You?”

“You know all them,” Bryce says.

“What do you mean ‘know’,” Jared says. “Because like, unless I have amnesia—”

“Like, shit from before I met you, I dunno,” Bryce says.

“That’s not not deep dark secrets shit,” Jared says. Hell, the worst of it is public information. “Tell me something you haven’t told anyone.”

“I can’t think of anything,” Bryce says. 

“C’mon,” Jared wheedles.

“I fucking hate playing for the Flames,” Bryce says.

Jared’s quiet.

“I know they’re like, your childhood team, but I hate management, and Burns is an asshole, and I hate pretty much all the guys on the team, which is fine, because they clearly hate me too, and the media—”

“Why’d you even re-sign, then?” Jared asks. “You could have asked for a trade. And no way someone wouldn’t have offer sheeted you if you’d held out.”

“Because you were here,” Bryce says.

“Jesus, Bryce,” Jared says. “You knew I wasn’t going to stay in Calgary.”

“Yeah, but I was also pretty sure we couldn’t manage long-distance at that point, and I didn’t want to anyway,” Bryce says. “I wanted us to live together. And they wouldn’t do a bridge deal no matter how much Summers pushed it, so, you know. Four and a half more seasons.”

Jared’s not like, oblivious, he knew Bryce didn’t like a lot of his team, but apparently he is oblivious, because he didn’t know any of this. Or — he didn’t know how bad it was. And Bryce didn’t tell him, but he feels like it was something he should have known anyway. It’s not like Bryce was exactly hiding it.

“Can you say something?” Bryce says after a long pause. “You’re freaking me out.”

“I mean, you just straight up said you re-signed with a team you hate for me,” Jared says. “I’m trying to process that right now.”

“I didn’t do it for you,” Bryce says.

“You just said—”

“I did it to be with you,” Bryce says. “But I didn’t do it for you, you know? That’s what I wanted — I wanted to be with you more than like, anything. That’s what mattered most to me. Like, I did it because of you, but you’re making it sound like I — I did it for me. Or like, us.”

“Okay, but that’s still a massive career sacrifice because of me,” Jared says. “So my point kind of stands here.”

“I mean, it’s not like I quit hockey or something,” Bryce says. “I’m still playing. Like, would I rather play somewhere else? Probably. But that wasn’t worth losing you, so.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this back then?” Jared says.

“Because it would have scared the shit out of you, and you would have told me to sign somewhere else and been pissed if I didn’t,” Bryce says. “Even if that wasn’t what either of us wanted.”

“You don’t know that,” Jared says.

“I know you,” Bryce says. “And I literally asked your parents for permission to marry you right after signing that contract. You matter way more to me than what jersey I’m wearing.”

Okay, Bryce is maybe right that it would have scared the shit out of Jared back then, because it kind of scares him now, and that’s like, a year and a half and an engagement later. Jared’s own feelings for Bryce scare him sometimes, how fucking much you can apparently feel for one person, and Bryce seems to feel so much _more_. Or like, maybe not, but it feels that way sometimes. Here Jared is, genuinely relieved someone’s career is over because it helps his own career, and there Bryce is, playing for a team he hates because it meant they’d be in the same city. And not even forever, just until Jared went to Edmonton. And yeah, Calgary’s closer than any other city even now, but still.

“Can you say something?” Bryce asks again.

“It kind of freaks me out how much you love me,” Jared says, then immediately winces, because that didn’t come out right at all.

“Yeah, me too,” Bryce says.

Jared chews his lip. “It kind of freaks me out how much I love you too, though,” he offers, because Bryce didn’t sound hurt or anything, but it was still a shitty thing to say.

“Guess we better give in to our feelings and get married,” Bryce says, and Jared snorts. “I’ve got practice I’m running a bit late for. You’re an awesome person. I love you.”

“I am not, but love you too,” Jared says.

Jared notices the time when he hangs up, and unless practice was set to a super weird time, Bryce is not a bit late, but a lot late. Not a great thing considering the reputation he already has on his team, and that’s something Bryce has been very aware of as long as Jared’s known him, but he still didn’t cut Jared off mid-rant about being a horrible person, just let him be a horrible person at him as he got later and later for a practice he probably can’t afford to be late to. 

It actually scares the _shit_ out of Jared how much Bryce loves him.

He’s so grateful for it all the same.


End file.
